“You Can’t Have That…”

As I sit in my school’s massive cafeteria, I can’t help but look at my plate (5 tater-tots, a large green apple, a small orange, and half a grilled cheese) with two emotions spread thin across my face. Anticipation, and disappointment. The words play in my head, told to me on Sunday night by an important person in my life.

“You can’t have that, you’ll get fat!”

As a teenage girl, I am of course hesitant about my weight. I can honestly say that some days I will jump out of bed and feel like the sexiest person in the world, and no one can tell me otherwise. Then, there are the bad days. These are the days I wake up sobbing, pulling at my poofy stomach and poking my thunder thighs. These are the days I don’t want to get out of bed; that I’d rather die than walk across campus to my first class of the day. There are days I don’t want to take my clothes off in front of my fiancé.

This person I mention above has been a role model to me for the past three years. They love me and try to support me in anything I do. That is, everything except buying 6 bakery doughnuts and a 52 pack of chocolate chip cookies at Walmart. Now these treats were not all for myself. They would be spread between me, my role model, and family we were staying the night with. All in all, the food would have been spread between 6 people and two fat dogs. Add this to the fact that all I’d really eaten at school all week was a bowl of fruit twice a day and exercising 8 hours a week for dance, and I felt like I deserved the treats. Especially since I was paying.

Back to the fact of the matter, you can imagine that after being told this in the middle of a busy Walmart, I didn’t buy the treats. I also didn’t get the 98 cent gallon of water that I’d been eyeing every time I went to Walmart. In fact, I only ate once the rest of the weekend, infuriating my role model and inciting a “I can’t eat that, I’ll get fat” out of me when offered food. And so now, with no more tater-tots, half a grilled cheese, an apple, and an orange in front of me, I can say that I’m scared to eat it. If I gain weight, will my role model no longer love me? And so I’ll eat less, work out more, maybe make myself sick, and maybe some day I’ll be good enough. These are the thoughts of someone with disordered eating. These are the thoughts of someone with IED. These are the thoughts of someone who hates themselves.

Keep Calling ❤

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